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July 22

James Blunt: Robot Fighter

From Josh:

Back when James Blunt's terrible, anneurism-inducing, scratch-a-chalkboard-with-the-fingernails-from-one-of-the-vampires-from-30-
Days-Of-Night-sounding song "You're Beautiful" came out, I wrote a script called "James Blunt: Robot Fighter" which is essentially about his music being so bad it'll kill robots, and the moods of everyone around him. The whole group loved it. The only problem was, on paper, it had a pretty high budget and we couldn't yet afford the likes of Ghostlight Digital or other special effects freelancers. Anyway, I enclosed the script below. Hope you enjoy it as much as we did two years ago.

xo,

j
--

“James Blunt: Robot Fighter”
Josh Ruben
© Dutch West
All Rights Reserved


FADE IN:

EXT. ALLEYWAY

Thrilling adventure music plays as DEREK and VERONICA, a young couple straight out of an action movie, run hand-in-hand down a dark alley. Their clothes are tattered and dirty. They’re being chased by something.

DEREK
Hurry up, Veronica! It’s gonna spot us!

VERONICA
Oh, Jesus, Derek! It’s another one of those things, isn’t it!!?

DEREK
Yes it is…

VERONICA
Is it true what they said on the radio? Can they lift cars! And see through walls!!?

DEREK
Just stay quiet, baby, it’ll hear us.

VERONICA
(Terrified)
From this far away?!?!

DEREK
Shh, over here…

They duck behind a dumpster.

They hear HEAVY FOOTSTEPS. Veronica starts to scream, but Derek covers her mouth. It’s really tense.

POV under dumpster, we see METAL BOOTS approach, then stop. A metallic whirring is heard, the robot turning it’s head left. Another whir, right. Tears stream down Veronica’s face. Derek sweats profusely.
We see the ROBOT. He scans the area, sees nothing, goes to leave, then hears a sniff. He turns. Busted. He looks around the dumpster and spots them!

Derek and Veronica scream. The Robot reaches down to them with his giant claw, when all of a sudden:

VOICE (O.S.)
Hey, you!

The Robot turns, looks. It’s singer/songwriter JAMES BLUNT!

JAMES BLUNT
That’s right you metal bastard! Over here!

VERONICA
Oh my god, is that James Blunt?

DEREK
Yeah, I think it is.

The Robot starts walking toward James, who realizes he can’t defend himself. He throws his SHOE at the Robot. It bounces off, harmless.

The Robot approaches him. James thinks fast, grabs a GARBAGE CAN and throws it over its head.

JAMES BLUNT
(To couple)
This way, quickly!

James pushes the Robot over. They take off.

EXT. STREET

Derek, Veronica, and James make conversation as they run.

DEREK
Are you seriously James Blunt?

JAMES BLUNT
Yes, it is I. Are you fans?

VERONICA/DEREK
(Bullshitting)
Yeah…
Veronica taps Derek, sticks her finger down her throat, points to James and mouths “I hate him!”

Derek responds silently, “Me too!”

JAMES BLUNT
(Looking back as he runs)
You two alright?

DEREK
Yeah! Where are we going?

JAMES BLUNT
To find my guitar.

EXT. PLAYGROUND

They stop to catch their breath.

JAMES BLUNT
I dropped it over here somewhere.

DEREK
Why are we looking for your guitar?

JAMES BLUNT
The robots really seem to hate the sounds it makes.

VERONICA
(Under her breath)
Sure it isn’t your shitty voice…?

Derek laughs out loud.

JAMES BLUNT
What’s so funny?

VERONICA
Derek farted.

JAMES BLUNT
May I tell you two something?

DEREK/VERONICA
Sure.



JAMES BLUNT
When I was a child, I had a premonition all this would happen: the world getting invaded by killer robots from outer space.

DEREK
Is that why you look so concerned all the time?

JAMES BLUNT
What?

DEREK
Look!

FOUR ROBOTS approach, one at each exit. They’re trapped. Veronica screams.

James spots his guitar, grabs it.

JAMES BLUNT
(Readying guitar)
Alright you bastards, come and get it!

DEREK
Quick, Veronica! Cover your ears!

JAMES BLUNT
It’s okay, it won’t harm humans! Only robots!

DEREK
I meant just in case it harms humans! This time.

JAMES BLUNT
Seriously, I’m just playing my guitar, not, like, firing the gun off the U.S. Intrepid.

DEREK
Okay.

Derek uncovers his ears. When James turns away, him and Veronica cover them again.

James starts playing a song. The Robots stop in their tracks.

ROBOT 1
(In Robot speak – subtitles)
Is that James Blunt? He is awful!
ROBOT 2
Seriously! It’s not even the guitar I mind so much as the performance!

ROBOT 3
His face alone is enough to make me want to kill myself!

ROBOT 4
Amen! He sings like a rat with a tracheotomy!

VERONICA
Behind you!

One of the robots manages to sneak up behind James and jam his CLAW through his chest. Derek and Veronica cringe. James spits up a serious amount of blood, but keeps playing. The robots begin to die. It’s a truly victorious moment.

ROBOT 1
Can’t… take… any… more!

ALL ROBOTS
It’s unbearable! Circuits… frying! etc.

The Robots short circuit and fall to the ground. Derek and Veronica run up to James.

VERONICA
You did it!

JAMES
Listen very carefully… you need to get me to a hospital…

POV James as Derek and Veronica hesitate.

JAMES
(Coughing up blood)
What? I had a claw rammed through my chest… I need to get to a hospital so that I can make music again.

Veronica and Derek don’t like the sound of that.

DEREK
It’s gonna be okay, James, you were great.

JAMES BLUNT
But I’m not dying… I-
VERONICA
We’ll tell your family and shit.

Derek throws his COAT over James’ face. They run away.

BLACKNESS.

We hear the muffled sounds of an AMBULENCE. The tarp is lifted up. POV James, we see TWO PARAMEDICS.

PARAMEDIC 1
This one’s still alive! Hey buddy can you hear me? We’re here to help. Hey, Jake, check this out. This guy kinda like James Blunt.

PARAMEDIC 2
Gary, it is James Blunt.

JAMES BLUNT
Please, I need to get to a hospital.

The paramedics give each other a look. It’s understood; they don’t want to save him either.

PARAMEDIC 1
Oh… uh, yeah, it’ll all… it’s gonna be fine.

PARAMEDIC 2
(Talking into his radio in another voice)
Hey… I’m a biker and my… I broke my leg over there.
(In his voice)
We gotta go…

PARAMEDIC 1
Uh, over there! There’s an old lady and she looks sick!

PARAMEDIC 2
Better go rub her back.

JAMES BLUNT
Wait…

The paramedics run away. He dies.



Fin.

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